April Page
April, I thoroughly enjoyed your writing and it was extremely well researched, and information packed. I think that one of the strengths of this essay is your use of narrative. I am instantly sucked into your story from the opening paragraph. Since you introduce a story narrative in the opening paragraph, I believe you could do this a little more throughout your paper. You lose the narrative aspect in your third paragraph. Also, I really liked your precision of editing throughout the paper!
I also like the facts you present in your conclusion. However, I think your conclusion could have a little bit more of a bang. You could better integrate some of the information you introduced previously in the paper. Another way you could end your paper is by posing a question to your audience. I really liked your transitions throughout the paper but I think you could quote source material a little more efficiently. Your quotations are not properly formatted! I really enjoyed reading your writing this unit and I wish you the best in the semesters yet to come!
Amara Villa-Rodriguez
I really enjoyed your paper and it is evident that you spent a great amount of time researching. I think that your introduction could be stronger. Your topic sentence is a fact instead of a bold statement or intriguing question. I think you quote beautifully throughout this essay but I think your quotes could be introduced a little bit better. I feel as though your quotes sort of hinder the flow of the essay, especially in the third paragraph. The information you are introducing is very beneficial in the quotes but sometimes they catch me by surprise. If you added legitimacy to why you are introducing these quotes your paper would be stronger.
I really like how your paper comes across as professional and well-edited. Maybe your voice could emerge more? Your paper is very technical, and if your voice came out more I think your paper would be more intriguing. I also like the structural organization of your paper and your thesis is very narrow. I think you could state your thesis one more time throughout the paper that way the audience is reminded of the point you are trying to make, Other than that I thought this was a really wonderful paper and I enjoyed reading your posts all semester long! I hope you have a wonderful holiday!
Hello my name is Justin Alexio Vizcaino and I am just starting my junior year at ASU. I love surfing and doing fun outdoor activities. I am currently living in Los Angeles training to be a better improviser. I also love to write poetry so if you like that artsy stuff let me know and we could have a wonderful discussion! Also I love football and the Phoenix Suns. Steve Nashty for life.
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